


I'm not gonna say that I'd change it cause you and I know that we can't

by Idjit_01



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Episode: s06e14 Mannequin 3: The Reckoning, F/M, First Kiss, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, M/M, yes both
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:41:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27571702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idjit_01/pseuds/Idjit_01
Summary: After Lisa's goodbye speech to Dean in 6x14, Dean gets drunk *surprise, surprise* and calls Cas.Before he could say anything though, Dean was suddenly tasting his lips with his own, jumping back when he noticed what he was doing.Cas's eyes widened, then screwed themselves shut painfully. After a few seconds he sighed and opened his eyes again, pity and disappointment in his eyes.Dean took a step back, consequently falling towards the ground.Cas kneeled and tried to touch him. Dean tried to crawled back. Cas sighed."Dean, you're intoxicated. You're hurt-"
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 23





	I'm not gonna say that I'd change it cause you and I know that we can't

**Author's Note:**

> The title is of the song 'epilogue" of the wonderful Alex Carroll.
> 
> And I know it's a bit weird to write a season 6 fic when we're at the end of 15, but I got inspired. 
> 
> So Lisa's speech in here is actually in the show, s6 e14. Apart from that, the dialogue and narrative is all of my own creation.
> 
> I hope you like it; please let me know what you think about it~

It might be late or very early, Dean doesn't know. Time blurrs together, the first rays of sunshine peeking over the suburban houses and he really can't make out whether he wants to cry or laugh at the sight.

He's had a few lukewarm beers he hasn't even been able to enjoy and balled his eyes out in the bathroom of a too pricey bar, not that he'll ever admit to doing that.

He doesn't really understand how he's feeling or what really caused this turmoil of feelings that's been buzzing inside his body and around his head ever since he walked out of Lisa's home.

They had been broken up for months, for fuck's sake. Getting back there for a few minutes shouldn't have affected him so much. 

It's not that he wasn't over her, which a part of him is sure he will never be, but he isn't really sure he was really in love with her either. She was there when Sammy was.... Well, in literal hell. She helped her through it. So he loved her, but he doesn't know if it was just gratefulness and some company –he doesn't do well on his own– or if it was really love.

It still hurts though, to have lost what seemed like his only chance to apple pie life even if didn't fulfill him as much as he wants to pretend.

That's why her words hurt him so much, felt like he was five years younger again, when Sam had just left for college and Dad had let it clear through continuous solo hunts that he didn't want anything to do with Dean and he was left all alone for the first time in his life.

 _"I can't ask for something. I know what I want... But I can't have it. Not how you live."_ She had confessed to him. His chest had hollowed out all over again, knowing that what she said was true and he wouldn't ever get anyone who would adjust to his life, leaving his completely alone.

If Sam were there it would be different, but with Sam recovering from being as soulless as hollow is a pumpkin in Halloween, with its insides carved out and thrown in a pit of unwanted trash and dispair, and slowly cracking by pushing his mind further then he should, he couldn't help but feel as worthless as he's always been shown to he is.

The sun's gotten higher up the sky while he muses on this, cars starting to resound more frequently rolling down the pavement, empty bottles all around him thrown out and about in the pavement.

To say Dean's a bit tipsy by then would be an understatement, so he wouldn't be able to be held responsible for the rest of the night –rather day, if accuracy is important– even if Baby depended on it.

Lisa's words were still repeating themselves over and over inside his head, the buzzing of the beer not helping to erase them as he had hoped for. Not being able to redeem himself himself, just going over the same mistakes over and over because of the failure he was just making everything worse. He's already perception of himself as 'poison' already fueling her reprimand.

_"Don't apologize. It's just... I get at this place where I'm okay and then you show up at our door. You keep doing that. Every time I think I'm never gonna see you again. I'm trying to get over you. What are you trying to do?"_

The question might be what puzzles Dean the most. He just... Wants to feel better. And she used to make things better. At least when he believed Sam irretrievably gone. Maybe he's just been chasing that feeling from her, trying to get it back, but not being fulfilled at it anymore.

Everyone's left him. Well, except Sammy, but _in his condition_ , it doesn't count. So Dean couldn't help but wanted to be seen.

Already on the floor, his legs shaky and heavy under him, his sight as unclear as life, he closed his eyes and prayed to the one his mind couldn't help but drift to.

"Cas... Cas _teal_ , Cas _tielle_ , Cass. If you would be as _nice_ to show your feathery smokin' ass 'round here." He slurred, smiling as the tell-tale sound of feathers revealed Cas's presence.

"Hello, Dean." Cas said severely. Dean giggled and blushed.

"Hiya." He opened his eyes slowly, as if afraid of his eyes burning with the brightness of his presence. Cas tilted his head slightly and frowned.

"What's the matter?" He finally asked.

Dean pouted and tried to stand up, Cas helping him up and letting him lean on his once he was wobbly standing.

Dean tried to look into Cas's eyes, taking his face between the palms of his hands when the world kept moving around its axis. Cas steadied Dean by the hips when he kept swaying in front of him.

Then Cas's eyes bored into him, trying to figure his behaviour out. He breathes deeply and wrinkled his nose.

Before he could say anything though, Dean was suddenly tasting his lips with his own, jumping back when he noticed what he was doing.

Cas's eyes widened, then screwed themselves shut painfully. After a few seconds he sighed and opened his eyes again, pity and disappointment in his eyes.

Dean took a step back, consequently falling towards the ground.

Cas kneeled and tried to touch him. Dean tried to crawled back. Cas sighed.

"Dean, you're intoxicated. You're hurt-"

"'m not", Dean interrupted, "didn't hunt t'day."

"You're hurt," Cas repeated. "Inside. You aren't thinking clearly."

"But, Cas," Dean pouted. "I want- I know what I want."

Cas tilted his head further and huffed.

"You're in no position to make decisions now. I don't want you to be embarrassed later on. Can you promise me you'll be okay with this?"

Dean tried to think, his thoughts playing hide-and-seek with him. After a while he managed to think somewhat clearly, and as much as he wanted the answer to be different, he knew he would feel awful when he woke up and probably get mad at Cas when he had been to one to take the first step.

He bowed his head and shaked it, feeling younger than he's ever been allowed to be.

Cas nodded sadly and crouched nearer to his friend.

"I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean enveloped Cas in a hug, making him lose his balance and fall on his lap.

"Dean..." Cas protested.

Dean nuzzled his face into the crook of Cas's neck.

"Just a minute, okay?" He pleaded, tightening his hold on the angel who was bound to disappear on him again soon.

He felt Cas nodding against the crown of his head and closed his eyes. As he drifted off he thought he felt lips on his forehead and then...

Dean woke up on his motel bed with a pounding headache. He groaned towards the offending light streaking through the windows and opened an eye to see if he could find Sam. 

When he started paying attention to his surroundings though, he heard the shower running and pulled the pillow over his head. His body felt like lead. He tried to remember his actions the night before, but he couldn't remember anything past entering a bar. The hollowness in him was still there, though, so he fiddled with the bag under his bed until he got out a pack of cheap beer. 

He couldn't wait to feel better again: surely alcohol had helped him fill his hollow chest the night before. There wasn't any harm in drowning in it again for another day.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm extremely sleep deprived, so I'm very very sorry for any mistakes I might have done. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
